it's me again, Margaret

So, I really really really want to start blogging regularly again. I miss my blog...and I miss all my bloggy friends. There were so many ladies I visited on a regular basis...and they always made me feel like one of the girls. So much stuff has happened since I fell out of regular blogging. Mostly I just felt like my life sucked so hard that blogging about it, broadcasting it to the world, would just verify the total suckage that was my life.

But the thing is, I know (and secretly knew back then) that my life doesn't TRULY suck. Nadine really solidified that belief for me, and put it in words so much better than my cobwebbed brain can in her post titled "diamonds in the roughage." I read that post and just had a total, "I know!"moment.

Back then everything SUCKED. And I hated our circumstances. Everything was always a concern, I lived in total fear of the unknown because we had been shocked and taken by surprise by so much horribleness. I lived with cockroaches, and really it's like living the life of a person who's being spied on or hunted by assassins. I felt like everywhere I went inside the apartment I was on guard, ready with a blunt object as I turned on every light in case I had to squish some unwanted visitor. The sad thing was I eventually got used to that lifestyle, having to squish my own bugs even when the thought of it makes me queasy right now. Squishing a cockroach is so horrifying...it's not like squishing a tiny ant or freaking mosquito - they crunch and I swear they sometimes scream. Anyway, I hated that I had to do that myself because half my time there I was alone with E.

I started resenting Joe, resenting his job, resenting his dedication to a cause greater than myself. I felt like such a selfish bitch and yet I couldn't help it. I couldn't help asking how he could do this to us, make us live in this apartment. It wasn't entirely his fault of course. We chose the place together. We shopped apartments together, we signed the lease together, we moved in together. Neither of us could have seen the bad stuff coming. Neither of us could have done anything to stop it.

So instead, when Joe was away I would send him long, bitchy emails proclaiming how much I hated Newport News and the whole state of Virginia, and he would send me consoling emails about how he wished he could be here to help us. And I could feel his concern through the internet aether, and I knew he cared and hated being away. I will always know he hates being away. But it hardly soothes the pain from it. It doesn't change the fact that he's still away.

I look through my photo files on my portable hard drive and take notice of the gaping hole that exists. There are pictures from our time in Virginia, but not many. They're obscure, and usually don't include the whole room in which they're taken. I wasn't proud of my apartment. I hated it. I hated living there, and I almost let it get in the way of life.

I still managed to take many pictures of beautiful E, I still managed to participate in the moments of her life that were important. Her birthday, Halloween, Christmas, etc. I found ways to get out of the apartment, drove to a local park with friends, spent a lot of time at Target, and visited family often.

But leaving as often as possible had its letdowns. Every time I locked the apartment door behind me while walking E to the car I wondered, "will someone break in?" or "is the hot water heater going to explode while I'm gone?" That's how OFTEN crappy shit happened to us while living there. That's how often shit sucked.

So, we moved home...more specifically to my old home with my mother, grandmother, and aunt. I don't talk about it much here because I don't want to say anything I'll regret later. I am happy to have been offered a comfortable and hospitable place to live for this year of recovery. Joe and I are separated a lot, and were hit hard financially during our sucktacular year in NN...so we are camping out here with family, catching up on credit payments and saving a little money in preparation for our future. Eleana is spending so much awesome time with her extended family. She sees her Nana and Grandma every day now, as opposed to once every 3 months. She is learning so much about her family just by living with them, and hopefully memorizing every awesome moment in the process.

But we are suffering in ways that somehow almost don't compare to how we suffered last year. Sure we had cockroaches and maintenance issues, but at least we had our own life. Would I rather live with cockroaches right now? Definitely not. But that doesn't mean I enjoy sharing a bedroom with my daughter and husband (when he's in). That doesn't mean I enjoy that, while in homeport, my husband lives on the cutter during the week and drives in to see us for the weekend - if he doesn't have duty, if we have the gas money. That doesn't mean I enjoy having responsibilities I didn't want to have, and not having the responsibilities I used to have.

But I am ever thankful. We have a huge and challenging oppurtunity ahead of us, and I'm hoping to be spending more time at the house, less time shopping in general, and more time saving money. Plus, we're going to be focusing on packing up again soon, which will be a great distraction and reminder that there is a light at the end of this year-long tunnel.

But, as we couldn't predict our hardships last year, I'm trying not to be too blindly optimistic about the year starting in July. July should be the beginning of a fabulous year...but the house we're moving into could have so many hidden hardships.

From now until July I will TRY to blog at least once a week something more substantial than a Mosaic Monday post or a photo update. After July, once we reconnect our computers to the internet, I will blog even more regularly as we move into a new home, and start building toward some sort of normalcy again.