chance

So, lately my situation in general has been pretty bleak. I've tried making the best of things, tried enjoying the people I'm living with (my family) while I'm here...and sometimes it works. Sometimes I enjoy myself quite a lot being here. But for the most part I can't stop thinking that making the choice to live here for this year was the worst decision I have ever made in my entire life.

My sweet little girl is suffering the most. This whole living situation is just not right. She and I share a bedroom. A very small bedroom. She has literally no bedtime routine because we have the TV in our room and it totally ruined everything. Sometimes we get away with no TV, reading a story and the traditional tuck-in from the "old days" (when we had our own place), but usually it's a battle - one I'm not always willing to fight.

Add onto that the fact that she still isn't potty trained, for numerous reasons, and has no solid schedule because this HOUSE has no solid schedule, and I'm ready to tear my hair out.

So when Joe calls me and tells me we have the chance to rent a house starting July 09, I am more than ready to jump on it. I mean like, I wish we could move tomorrow ready. So ready.

A house would mean a lot of things. It would mean my own washer and dryer (and not having to lug my shit out the door and down the street to a public laundromat with a 3-year-old in tow). It would mean having my own front door and not having to share common space with questionable neighbors. It would mean not having to suffer the sounds of people stomping around above my head while I'm trying to take a nap with Eleana, or even read a freaking book in silence.

However, it would also mean I would HAVE to get a job. I am NOT opposed to getting a job by any means...it just terrifies me that this job I get (which will be a miniscule and nearly meaningless retail job for sure, unless I'm lucky and snag some sort of office job doing paperwork) could be what decides if we pay our electric bill one month. I'm finally realizing how Joe feels, how it feels to have people's lives depend on your paycheck.

I'd be willing to make sacrifices to have a house - no cable/phone for instance - but in this case cable/phone/internet will be included with rent. That's like 150 bucks free right there. I'm just trying to weigh the pros and cons in my mind...but trying not to be really super excited. I really really really want this house.

Pros:
privacy
freedom to paint/nail/hammer etc.
private, fenced yard
private driveway
8 closets
washer/dryer included
air conditioning
3 bedrooms
large living and dining room
new refrigerator
new bath tub
1 1/2 bath
trash pick up

Cons:
no dishwasher
high rent (1200/month, phone/internet/cable included)
water bill (we've never had to pay a water/sewage bill before)
trash pick up bill (never had one of those either)
yard to mow (purchase lawn mower)
gas stove/heating (i HATE gas)
smaller bedrooms than we're used to (but with 8 closets this may not be an issue...plus we can always put a dresser in another room, or even in the living room)

So, I'm not sure. I haven't seen the house yet...and won't be seeing it until around March. At which point we will also go campaigning/touring town homes and apartments in nicer areas than where we previously lived. Bottom line, I really think I want a house. Really. So a working I will go.

I put in applications here in town, so if I get hired by the end of January I can work 5-6 months and put those paychecks in our savings account without even spending them.

Gosh, I am just a font of so many different emotions.

I am definitely thankful to be given such a great chance at what seems to be a brighter future. Thanks, universe. I love you.